We are aware of the challenges faced by children of all ages, especially those whose parents are going through a divorce or separation.
AM Mediators Doncaster get it. In fact, we do:
- We are all exhausted, and particularly exhausted by these new lives thrust upon us. Some are considerably closer to the front lines than others, and their perseverance is quite remarkable.
- Families are at greater danger as this epidemic spreads, especially in times like the present when it feels more like a step back than a stride forward.
- Risks to our relationships are quite high in the current era; and
- We are aware that children are at risk whenever separations occur, and much more so when these separations are conducted improperly.
As family attorneys who work with parents, we are aware that when separations occur:
- Parents want answers so they may return to being parents.
- Minimal resources (time/emotion/money) should be consumed throughout the separation transition in order to save maximum resources for the future.
- Children’s voices must be heard during the transition.
- We must all work diligently to develop solutions that fulfil the needs of children.
- Children require closure and tranquilly in order to be shielded from the negative effects of separation as much as possible.
Children need to know that their parents are safe so that they may continue being children without being dragged one way or the other or left out in the cold while their parents face the grownup issues of applying principles to circumstances to find a way ahead (or even just the challenge of finding out what are the principles).
Many will find the following to be the best course of action:
- Adults on their own
We can only be effective parents if we are in a position to do so. Particularly while coping with the trauma of a failed relationship, we must attention to ourselves and obtain the necessary help.
- Safety
Every child’s protection from mental and physical injury is non-negotiable, and the other eleven criteria are subordinate to this overarching imperative.
- Parent-child connection
When our interactions with the other parent are driven by our personal needs and based on the history of our relationship, it will be difficult to establish a working arrangement that will allow the child’s needs to be met effectively. Parents may best meet their child’s needs by continuing to work as a team. Even if you discover that the other parent is not doing this, you must continue to chart a course centred on the child’s needs. It is the factor most likely to produce change and enable the other parent to become the best parent possible.
- Guidelines
Determine effective means of bringing up and negotiating concerns with your children.
- Informing the youngster
Important is the handling of the conversation in which the youngster is informed of the approaching separation. Ideally, inform the children about the impending changes and reassure them — not just once, but also during the post-shock period when they may have concerns. Be truthful and find a soothing manner to discuss the things you do not yet know. We examine this phase below.
- Staging the divorce
How the separation is orchestrated will be the child’s first exposure to separated parenting. Performing a task effectively, with the right knowledge, at the right time, with collaborative management, and with a positive attitude might yield certain rewards. Don’t fret if things don’t go as planned. Generally, it is better than the child’s darkest worries, and second chances are typically available.
- Goals & principles
Many parents have found it beneficial to decide what kind of childhood they want their child to be able to recall. They now have a clear understanding of what to promote and what to avoid. Working out these “self-evident facts” that will guide parenting in the future encourages improved communication, quicker decisions, and consistent methods. Writing them down in a parenting plan will reinforce the method.
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For many households, the following will apply:
- the necessity of fostering the finest possible connection with each parent.
- establishing appropriate limits – so that the youngster is not burdened with adult concerns.
- being honest with the child about matters that do worry the child (while taking into account the child’s age) and listening.
- placing yourself in the kid’s place and understanding their perspective, which includes recognising the difficulties for the youngster in witnessing parental dispute.
- exhibiting unrelenting positivity toward the other parent.
- Good arrangements
According to these concepts, this is how parenting will function throughout the first chapter. Good arrangements will also give the tools to evaluate various choices for working out the child’s arrangements between the two houses and how to organise crucial periods (holidays, Christmas, and birthdays). It is all too easy to descend into debates over who was to blame for the breakup of the partnership, and for the arrangements to be driven by resentment, rather by what must remain your metric: what is in the child’s best interest.
Home history
We identify ourselves via the narratives we tell. Children do too – possibly much more so. Shaping and explaining the separation in a real manner that also allows the children to make sense of it for themselves can benefit them, and it may prevent them from being alienated and polarised into separate camps around the family and friends.
Families, however, cannot wait; children will hunger for an explanation that may help them make sense of what is occurring in their environment and will struggle without one… Therefore, a sufficient account must be maintained rapidly, even if it is improved afterwards. Oftentimes, third-party assistance is crucial in this situation.
- Changes
Families are in constant motion. When youngsters press us for solutions, it is all too tempting to resort to quick (less-than-optimal) responses. Anticipating the next obstacle (perhaps bedtimes, school choices, subject-choices, or the introduction of new partners) will assist parents in managing these challenges as effectively as possible and enable the kid to make the most of their position.
- Implications
Focusing on children can influence the timing, management, and success of other aspects of the separation process. For instance, if continued engagement is desired throughout the week, this will affect decisions about school, [geographically-close] housing, and [child-friendly] careers.
There is a substantial body of literature on the ways parents may take to make the arrangement work well for their children. And much will rely on the circumstances, particularly the ages of the children, as well as their general disposition. Let’s examine the likely initial phase, which is informing.
Here, the prevalent perspective of what is most effective comprises the following:
Crucial Duties: Informing
- Plan – both collectively
Ideally, both parents will speak with their children simultaneously. This will require forethought and consensus on what will be said.
Generally, it is preferable to avoid problematic area by keeping things basic and compact. Small and straightforward may be all the youngsters can hear in the beginning stage.
Each parent will need to consider if they are capable of fulfilling their responsibilities and managing their emotions.
- Fault… no! Truthfulness… yeah
We believe that our children may want to know the history behind why this is occurring; but, they do not, and this is a topic that is best avoided… not just at this early time, but generally.
They may need to know that you attempted to keep things continuing, but were unable to do so, and that you deeply regret the situation.
They should be informed that the separation has nothing to do with them and is not their fault.
And what you tell them must be truthful: they need to know that they can count on you more than ever.
- Changes
Typically, children will wish to know a variety of things that have not yet been determined.
It is OK to state that you do not know… Knowing things are likely to be a bit chaotic for a while, but that you, as parents, will do your best to provide for the best possible outcome and will keep them informed.
- Care, affection, and help
Ideally, this will be the key takeaway message for the children: that their parents’ love for them has not changed, and that they will always have their support and care.
- Follow-through
The shock of the news (even when anticipated) may elicit questioning from some youngsters and quiet horror from others… Inform them that it is acceptable to ask you questions later on. These youngsters may return to the question again.
- Remaining steadfast
It goes without saying that keeping promises and commitments is essential.
- Make it happen
Occasionally, separation occurs shortly thereafter; for others, separation is not feasible for several months. Children can become confused if a talk occurs and then nothing changes – at the very least, separate beds will be the norm – frequently, separating out into different houses will be beneficial, especially when it can be managed successfully.
We are not born knowing how to guide our children through separation successfully. Finding and implementing the advice will convince you that you have done your best, which may be the most crucial thing you can do.
